Last Friday night, Finny wanted to spend the night with his grandparents and take our dog Biscuit with him. I thought this would be a good time to catch up on thank you notes from the baby shower that Jackie and the girls had thrown us the week before. So I started cleaning the house up a bit, made some chocolate covered bananas to have in the freezer for snacks and then started looking around on the internet for a cute printable card. I decided to lay in bed and watch some netflix movies...the hunger games, erasing hate, some movie about two lesbians having kids together in new york city...all the while having some braxton hicks contractions that I thought were getting rather painful. I started timing the contractions to see how far they were apart, still thinking that they were of the braxton-type.
And then around 8 pm I bent down beside my bed to time another one and I felt this gush. Not like water breaking gush, more like I'm 13 and this must be my period gush. So I go into the bathroom to check it out and have another gush while on the toilet. I admit it, I flailed my hands a bit and had a little freak out since on that day I was only 37 weeks and 5 days. I was miserably pregnant but all in for another month considering Finny was 41 weeks and 2 days or some outrageous amount of days like that. But I got my shit together real quick and called Josh. Calmly. I told him there was some blood and that we'd probably be going to the hospital right away since at this point I thought blood was the sign of something wrong. When you're pregnant they make you feel this way by constantly asking at every turn with furrowed brow, "Any bleeding?"
Then I called the doula service to see what I should do and if I should go into the hospital or call my doctor. Cary answered the phone and said all of the blood was normal, but that I was probably going into labor. Sweet baby jesus, yes! I was so excited but I didn't want to be overly confident and jinx the progression of cervical magic so I remained calm and kept cleaning up my house and timing contractions. Yes, I said cleaning up my house. For some reason I wanted everything to be at least 75% presentable when Cary got there. I knew I wouldn't care once things got going but in labor times you go with your instinct and clean the house if you feel like it. Or maybe I felt like once things got going I WOULD care that the house was a wreck and wouldn't be able to do anything about it but apologize and that would take me out of the moment and ruin my ability to concentrate on labor. I think that's closer to the rationale.
Anyway so Cary and I decided I would keep timing for about an hour and call her back to let her know how I was doing. I noticed that when I laid down the contractions were around 6 minutes apart but when I was standing and cleaning they were like 3 minutes apart, lasting about 45 seconds to a minute. After 48 minutes of timing (you know these things when in labor) I called Cary back and we decided it would be good for her to come over. Before the 48 minutes were up Josh got home and I had him doing things I couldn't but needed done: Take that big box the rocking chair came in to the garage, install the car seat in my car, help me change the sheets. And by the time we did all that Cary was there.
Let me tell you this. If at any point you are deciding on whether to hire a doula and if the service is worth the cost...hesitate no more. I would have gladly paid triple for the peace of mind and wonderful care that Cary brought into our birth experience. From the moment she arrived I felt more relaxed and more in control of my decisions.
After a bunch of questions and inquiry that involved her looking at my blood in the potty (embarrassed? nah. not me.) we all settled in and started talking about Netflix and the movie I was watching, Erasing Hate. We watched and talked through all the contractions. I think by this time it was about 10:30 or 11 and were were basically just hanging out in the floor of our bedroom. Kind of felt like college, except for the contractions that kept on coming more intensely with every round.
Cary had some great suggestions like, get on hands and knees and rock back and forth. Hold on to Josh's shoulders and kind of squat, lean on the birthing ball, stay on the toilet for a contraction. Wherever I was I would just tell her Ok and she would start timing.
Another, I'd say, 45 minutes or an hour went by (hard to tell but it felt like no time at all) and we kind of decided to move to the living room for a change of scenery. I think maybe we were going to try to walk or go outside in the front yard for a couple of contractions or something but as soon as we got outside of the bedroom I felt this need to go to the hospital. I wasn't sure about it and I didn't really trust my need, mostly because I didn't trust being at the hospital. In my last birth I had lots of interventions and I didn't want that to happen this time. I wanted to labor unimpeded for as long as possible and then beg for drugs if I needed them or Try Try Try to do it all natural. I couldn't really see into the future on how I would handle to pain but I knew I could handle it better at my own house without a bunch of nurses in my face asking me about epidurals. BUT at the same time I hadn't felt the little guy moving around too much and I wanted to see how my cervix was progressing. So, for me curiosity killed the accidental home birth.
I say that because we got to the hospital around 12:30 in the morning and I requested that the Dr check me immediately so that I could go home to labor in peace if I was only a four and had a bunch more hours to go. Dr. Cherry (her real name!) came in and said that I was six to seven cm dilated and about 90% effaced. Meaning, here comes transition like a frickin freight train. I'm not sure I remember too clearly after then so the people who were with me might have a different way to tell this. But these are my memories and my sporadic blog so I get to tell it how I like.
It's all a blur, that I think they call "Labor Land". I remember asking Cary when we were walking down the hall of the hospital on the way to L&D if this was Labor Land but I needed no reassurance really. That was the mind frame I was in. In Labor Land you deliberately eschew all outside stimulus. Look at the floor while you're walking, no wondering if all the people in ER are staring at you while you hug your doula through a contraction, just hum and walk and breathe, relax before the next contraction.
By the way, when we got to the desk in L&D, the nurses were all, "how can we help you?" and because I couldn't talk much I did a little flourish with my hands and a half curtsey and Cary goes, "She's in labor." I wanted to add a little "Duh, bitches" on to the end but thought I'd keep my politeness going since very shortly I'd be in the hands of these ladies and I wanted them to be on my side. They walked us down the hall and in the room I got changed into the night gown that I brought to the hospital. One of the nurses tried to tell me I could wear my own gown if it was open in the back, which mine wasn't, but I looked at Cary and she said to just put my own on anyway.
Like I said Dr. Cherry checked me and I was 6-7 cm dilated and 90% effaced. So I stood up for a couple contractions, sat down for a couple contractions, thought about getting in the tub for a couple contractions, and all the time the amazing amazing nurse Shauna kept chasing me around to start a saline lock on my arm and would not quit adjusting the fetal monitors because I was losing what they seemed to think was more than the usual amount of blood. I was fine with the fetal monitors because I wanted to hear his heartbeat too, but really I think that was the most painful and annoying part. The way she had to press on my belly and constantly ask me to move and lift my hips or adjust my shoulders was just like, ok, fine but I hate this and I want to concentrate on this little boy coming outta me. Which sucks. Period.
And then gradually things started to change. I was standing next to the bed and I felt this need to bear down and grunt. Shauna informed me that if I was pushing that I had to be in the bed so before the next contraction I came around the bed and got in a side lying position with Cary at my back and Josh in front of me. Poor Josh, because after like 3 contractions I had to tell him to go brush his teeth because his breath was taking me out of the moment. I had to think about whether to ask him for a couple of minutes though because his going to the bathroom would mean doing a contraction, possibly two, without him and his comfort and the ability to grab his shirt and escape the pain was crucial. CRUCIAL. But he had been working all day Friday and this was getting on into early Saturday morning so...I asked him and it was so much better when he came back. After that I went to hands and knees on the bed facing backward but I really couldn't get a handle on the contractions like that. It was when I was in this position that I bit Josh on the hand. Twice. He said after that he and Cary looked at each other and she mouthed, "Did she just bite you?" and he just nodded and took it like a champ. Love my husband. Side lying was definitely an easier way to bear the contractions so I switched back to that and alternated between pulling him toward me and pushing him away while holding onto his lapel and twisting.
Then I started to cuss. And curl my toes. I remember Dr. Cherry laughing at me when I yelled, "This shit fucking hurts!" And I think I asked for "The Drugs" at this point too but the people on my team were just kind of laughing lightheartedly because we all knew there was no time. Each time a contraction came I slipped outside of myself and grunted like a rabid javelina. Really primal, low and guttural sounds that honestly kind of surprised me. I had a couple of contactions, though, where the sounds were high and shrieking and Cary had to remind me to keep the sounds low and guttural. Low felt more effective anyway so I tried to take her advice.
I wanted someone to tell me that Linden was crowning and that this was almost over. But when I asked Shauna said not yet. I kind of felt discouraged but she immediately reassured me when she said I was a very effective pusher. And when she checked me about five minutes (? rough estimate ?) later I had moved from zero station to positive 2 in about 30 minutes. Crowning was just a few contractions/grunting pushes away. And thennnn...the ring of fire. If at any point in your life this happens to you and you sincerely believe that your vagina is going to be torn in two, have someone get you a wet warm washcloth and try to stay calm. I think this was the point where I would have gone into indentured servitude to afford Cary because that wet warm washcloth saved my life.
While this horrible thing was happening, Shauna the nurse was behind me trying to unwrap a lot of instruments while she was on the phone going, "I need someone to catch a baby!" She said afterward that she thought she was going to have to deliver him. She said she would have done it because she's done it before but she'd rather Dr. Cherry be the one to do it. And as it happens, Dr. Cherry got there in the nick of time. She had some time to adjust her light and tell me to reach down to feel Linden's hair. As I did that and realized he was crowning, Cary goes, "Oh, shit's getting real now!" and then wonderously in a gush of pressure release out he came. It wasn't like it was on A Baby Story where they say ok his head is out and with the next push here come his shoulders and everyone is waiting. No...he was out like a rocket. Dr. Cherry really did have to catch him. And we just saw all this brown hair and this tiny little chunky monkey guy and everyone was rushing around with carts and towels and saying how cute and chunky he was. And he weighed 7 pounds exactly and was 19 and 1/4 inch. Born at 2:32 in the morning. Perfect.
I felt high, so high. I told Dr. Cherry thank you and I couldn't quit talking and staring and enjoying the feeling of having my new son in my arms. And Josh kept saying that I was a super hero and how he was amazed that I did it all my way. I couldn't believe it either. Still can't even though he's sleeping on my chest wrapped in blankets in our house on our street. Home.
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