Linden milestones

Sitting, crawling, going to daycare! Our lil squishy baby is like, two minutes away from getting his drivers license and going to college. 

Oh...

And I'm starting a new job tomorrow. I'll call this feeling...hmmm...yep. I'd say I'm a great big heap of conflicted. 

Milestones!

Linden is officially a sitting up without support guy! He still topples over every once in a while but, well, here. I'll let you be the judge:

The internet makes you cray

On the internets, there is so much sleep advice it's ridiculous. Cry it out, don't cry it out, the in betweeners, cosleepers, crib in your roomers...and...then thankfully there's my real life in the flesh doctor. 

Yesterday, and everyday of his life before, linden would only sleep in his crib for like 16 minutes at a stretch. We were like, is it the cloth? His tummy? Something were doing slash not doing? The bigger one wasn't like this was he? Can we hold him while he sleeps foreva? Maybe, we thought but instead I took him to the doctor, armed to the hilt with my internet info and my erikson's stages of psychosocial development and, of course my exhaustion tears. Those are cute. 

I explained to her that I needed her to help me figure out scientifically, medically what was wrong with him. Because clearly he was not sleeping due to some possibly horrible and rare hidden malady. She looked him over thoroughly and said that the goodnews was he was perfectly healthy, stepping right along on his growth chart. The bad news was that we now have a 'trained awakener'. A huh? Can I google that real quick? 

But her answer was oh so simple. Do a short bedtime routine at an appropriate time, 7-8 pm and then put him in his crib awake, say I love you with all my heart linden, and then walk out. 

You're probably all, "that sounds way easier than it actually is!" But I tell you, it was easy! He sleeps! If he wakes it's only for a minutes and you know what's even better? I sleep. I sleep! 

So yeah, Dr. Claire Hebner told us to and we made it so. 

Stones that mark z miles

Linden is in bed in the other room and Finny has a wiggly little front tooth. 

I Love my boys something fierce. 

Linden milestones

We fed linden some mashed banana today. He loved it! But I'm not surprised, he is a Schauer. 

Finnegan says #636

Mom, what's the number 1 then a 45 degree line then a three? 

Me: one third? 

Ok now

Josh got linden to sleep and he slept in the crib for probably, 30 minutes? Used his zen power to comfort the little guy. If we can get him to sleep in the crib for like, half the night then maybe we can make out sometime.

No freeky outie

I think linden's Moro reflex might be going away. Today he took at nap on his back, arms up by his head. He slept that way for almost an hour and he never never sleeps that way because he would always do the startle thing. I'll need to do more observation to see if its gone fm for good but looks like we're on the down hill slope to better sleep :) 

No freeky outie

I think linden's Moro reflex might be going away. Today he took at nap on his back, arms up by his head. He slept that way for almost an hour and he never never sleeps that way because he would always do the startle thing. I'll need to do more observation to see if its gone fm for good but looks like we're on the down hill slope to better sleep :) 

Finny fotographs

I have around 100 pics exactly like this on my iPod. Guess which raccoon got ahold of the iPod and went to town with the camera? He's a scoundrel, but at least he likes to look at his lil bro. 

Lindy is awesome, I am cray-cray.

Starting to put linden to bed in his crib lately. He always ends up in bed with us after like an hour which is really sweet so I'm trying to be patient. I have a hard time reminding myself that we do not currently have what you would call a 'sleep problem'. in fact most of the time i feel rested and ready to tcb (insert lip curl here). 

but! theres all the books and especially the internet that make me crazy-town because I keep thinking I should be doing something different than I am. 

But actually, I am doing a really good job so I am trying to get my brain to not be such a maniac. Stfu brain! 

Ah, deep breath. That's better. 

Have also been wondering lately if I have some late onset ppd symptoms. I have this sense of worry and anxiety that a lot of times keeps me from enjoying the baby and life and the older awesome kid and husband. And, I get sad because I want to control things so nothing bad will happen but that makes everyone around me like 'ugh im being micro-managed! Leave me alone, micromanager!'

Today I feel better though. I had an actual intelligent convo with Erin on the playground and it was nice to be verbal with someone other than a four month old. And I got my hmwrk finished up. So, right now, it's the little things that are making me stable and I can live with that today. We'll see what tomorrow has to bring, right? Yep. G'night. 

He wiggles and giggles

Just last week linden couldn't really move his arms around while he was on his tummy. But now, oh man. He grabs for things and turns around, rolls over and does a little push up. He's also becoming quite ticklish (when I'm feeling menacingly maniacal ;)

Scoundrel

Finnegan told our friend Jeremy that when we are playing candy land and I am losing, i often flip the board off the table and ruin the game so that no one can win. Huh, little does Finnegan know that I stack the deck so that he gets to win faster. One day he'll appreciate me. 

I heart toys now!

12 weeks

So we've got the tummy time head control milestone down but this kid sleeps so much, I'm still waiting to have the opportunity to try some other stuff. I have a feeling in the next two weeks or so we'll see some pretty exciting stuff come out of him. I'll keep you updated. 

My momma took this

Cute

Linden started doing the cute little eye rub that babies do when they get sleepy. He is constantly doing things so cutely. Not enough blog to blog all the cute. 

Linden tells a story

This baby gave himself a hickey on his own arm. A bruise perhaps? Nope, hickey :)

Misther Lindens

Finnegan Says #601

Linden: *screaming in backseat of car*

Finny: "Linden says, 'pass the milk!'"

HARRY POTTER!!

Started reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone to Finnegan yesterday. I've never read the books because I've wanted to wait for when Finny was ready.

I ordered it for his birthday and it arrived on the doorstep via Amazon, a little nod to my mail order addiction, yesterday.  I let him open it as an early birthday present and he looked so dissappointed. Like, where's my toy. So I read him a teaser paragraph and then shut the book saying we'd read more that evening.

That evening I had to encourage him by saying we'd only read one page. One page turned into the first chapter and now we're already through chapter two and onto the third. So. Happy. and. Excited.

Deep questions

Finny asked us yesterday, "Why am I myself?" 

Thanks to all the parenting guides I am totally prepared for questions about reproduction and baby origination, but these existential questions take some more thought. He's also asked me before, "where was I before I was born?" This came in an intense teary eyed moment that I'm sure I completely botched. 

In any case, I love that he thinks about this stuff. To me it means he is a thoughtful person who is aware of his life. Which, in the future I hope will lead to compassion toward other people's lives and situations. 

But really, who knows? I'll keep you updated. 

Finnegan says...

Nothing is not science! 

(Five year old speak for everything is science) 

Happy Tesla Day!!!

One time

"Mommy you know what? One time I got a lot of saliva in my mouth and I didn't throw up."

What's kickin chicken?

I was changing Linden's diaper just a second ago while he was fussy but all of the sudden, he was quiet. We change his diaper on the bathroom counter on a towel that we've laid down right in front of the mirror and when I looked down to see what made him quiet,  he was looking at my reflection in the mirror and smiling!

He's smiled a few times before, like aside from gassy smiles, but mostly its in the morning and only one smile at a time. Like he's rationing them to see if we'll still feed him or something. Building trust? I don't know but as I type this he is sitting in Josh's lap and smiling over and over.

Ah, feels like some of our hard work is being rewarded with sweetness from Mr. Maybe Blue Eyes.

Love this guy

But, I'm just wondering how this happened:

Finnegan Says #1

"I was sitting down for 20 minutes, so now my colon hurts."

This one got an answer of raised eyebrows. 

Yawn!

This quarantine stuff sure is boring! Restful, but...boring. 

Birthday Plans

Yesterday was my birthday. We wanted to celebrate by heading out to Wimberley to stay at the Cypress Creek Cabins and visit Blue Hole and do some shopping, hiking, etc.  But,  I have been reborn as a germaphobe and remain on quarantine at least for the rest of the week.

This is because early Saturday morning, Linden started running a fever of 100.9. I called the doctor and spoke to a nurse who sounded very worried and instructed us to "go on as soon as possible to Dell Children's." Not what you want to hear about your four week old baby boy.

When we got to Dell Children's they triaged him and his fever was actually 101.5 but all other vital signs were normal so Josh and I thought they might monitor him, give him some tylenol, etc...but then the ER tech told us that it was, in fact, very hard for babies this age to develop a fever and that they would have to do a series of routine procedures including starting an IV,  doing a lumbar puncture (more commonly and scarily known as a spinal tap) and drawing blood for a CBC.  Josh looked suddenly like he had been buried alive.

But, they took us back to an ER room and the doctor came in to speak to us. Turns out that they were suspecting meningitis or some other rancorous infection, or nothing. They couldn't tell until they did the tests. They did the lumbar puncture and took the blood, which although they had to scrunch him up and he cried a little, these weren't so bad. The IV was horrible. I cried. A lot. They had to stick him three different times and Josh's job was to keep dipping Linden's pacifier in what they call Sweet Ease to keep his little mind concentrated on the sugar syrup. Each time the nurses got the IV going, the vein "blew" before they could get an antibiotic in. Until finally they got it going in his tiny hand and started him on a drip of a combo of two antibiotics and an antiviral in case he did have either bacterial or viral meningitis.

Then came the first part of the waiting game. We got to the hospital around 8:30 AM and by the time 11:30 rolled around the doctors had confirmed that Linden did in fact have meningitis as the tests had confirmed that his white blood cell count in his spinal fluid was above 400 (normal is around 25). When they told us, I made an audible gasp. The doctors only knew prelim information, they didn't know anything but yes, he had meningitis, so an ocean of dread settled over me. Why I do this I am not sure but when I don't know all the info for a situation, I start to fear the worst. I asked the doctor what would happen if Linden had bacterial meningitis, and what the side effects were. He said, "I could tell you all the horror stories but let's try to be positive until we know for sure." Ok, I would try to be positive.

What I tried to think was how lucky we were to live in Austin and be so close to world class children's medical care. I thought of my friends who had been at Dell Children's with their nine day old and how they had gone home safely and their son was now a year and a half. I thought about emailing all of my family and friends but we just couldn't yet. Not until we knew more.

Around 12:30 they transferred us to the NICU where we met with another doctor, Dr. Kelley.  Bless his heart, he was trying to be reassuring but when you don't know anything yet, and you work in the medical field you have to be vague. Over the course of the three days I really started to like him but that first meeting was very painful to sit through. He told us of the possibility that Linden could be in the hospital on IV antibiotics for 21 days. 21 days? They could barely keep an IV in him for 2 hours, how about 21 days? Plus, he kept answering our questions with hypotheticals and med speak that effectively gave us the run around, all the while apologizing for his vagueness. I couldn't blame him, I knew that he knew nothing but when he was about to leave the room, my only question for him was, "Is my son going to be ok?" A question which he didn't have an answer for either.

Later in the afternoon, Dr. Hague, an infectious disease doctor, came to see us to try and figure out what might have caused the meningitis. We told her that we had all been sick with some mystery illness that felt like the flu with joint pains and low grade fever. So she did eye, nose and rectal swabs on Linden for a myriad of viruses, everything from Herpes to Enterovirus to Toxoplasmosis.

To her, our mystery virus was encouraging news but it also brought on the second waiting game, which lasted through two days, two different IV lines and lots of seriously mediocre hospital food. They were waiting on the swabs to come back with something, some info of merit and for the cultures that they did from his blood to reveal whether the meningitis was bacterial or not. And finally on Sunday night when the doctors were rounding and giving each other their reports we heard them tell us through a closed quarantine curtain that the swab for enterovirus had come back positive. Incase you are like, Oh NO! That sounds bad, it's actually good news since enterovirus is a very common summer bug that causes aches and pains and mild fevers in healthy adults and children but in babies, it can lead to more serious infections like viral meningitis.

The doctor on duty, the very British Dr. Michael ripped open the curtain and said, "Did you all hear that? That is very promising news!" We all promptly did a happy dance, albeit a bit subdued since we were still waiting on the bacterial culture to come back negative. But, to our doctors, this was a chance to celebrate the fact that the type of meningitis that Linden had was something he would and could get over on his own.

So this was Sunday evening and they wanted to keep us another night until the bacterial culture ruled out anything else. They let us move to a room where Linden could stay with us, off the monitors and that's where we played the third waiting game until Monday morning when Dr. Kelley came in to tell us that everything was negative and we'd be going home sometime in the afternoon. Happy dance was not subdued at this point, we were all around giddy and elated to be out of the woods.

Through all of this, Linden never lost his appetite and never missed a milk meal. I am so impressed by how strong and resilient he seems to be. During one IV insertion he didn't even cry. I can't wait to see what he grows up to be like and I am so glad to be home with him.

a bit of info

We went back to the doctor about a week and a half ago and Linden had gained all of his weight back! So he was back to 7 lbs and had gained about a half and inch. It made me feel a lot better since he is nursing SO MUCH. My worst case scenarios brain told me maybe he and I weren't good at the breastfeeding thing. But ah, I can relax now.

Well, kind of. Finny also came down with some mystery illness that Josh and I caught too. It made our joints inflamed and kind of felt like the flu without the fever. Ugh. I have never taken that much Advil in my life but now we're all feeling a little better. I am hoping that it has passed through and skipped the baby but now that I've said that it will jinx the whole thing. Worst case scenarios brain strikes again!

I am feeling a bit downtrodden today, although I keep reminding myself to be gentle with myself. That's a lot of self. Too much self. I'm just going to blame it on the Spurs and try to move on.

We took the advice of the internet

On Saturday we took the advice of the internet and took Linden to a movie with us. True to the forum's words, he slept and nursed during the whole thing. And since it was the action flick, Star Trek: Into Darkness, the theatrer never really got quiet enough to hear him when he fussed. Awesome. Apparently, we can do this until he's like three months old.

The First (Stinky) Milestone

Today Linden lost the nasty little raisin that was his umbilical cord.

The other day I thought I had forgotten to put laundry detergent on the cloth diapers or something because I smelled this foul rank odor coming from that general area. When I put a clean diaper on that didn't smell, I still smelled it and realized it was the putrescence emanating from his belly button. I even made Josh smell it and he nearly puked.


The internet put my mind at ease, though, for once, since all the parents on the boards seemed to have the same problem and about 40 of them likened it to a chunk of rotting meat.

But now it's off and I have my sweet, peachy smelling baby back. As Finny would say, he so cute!

Linden's First Day

Linden is here!!! (and i still can't believe it)

Last Friday night, Finny wanted to spend the night with his grandparents and take our dog Biscuit with him. I thought this would be a good time to catch up on thank you notes from the baby shower that Jackie and the girls had thrown us the week before. So I started cleaning the house up a bit, made some chocolate covered bananas to have in the freezer for snacks and then started looking around on the internet for a cute printable card. I decided to lay in bed and watch some netflix movies...the hunger games, erasing hate, some movie about two lesbians having kids together in new york city...all the while having some braxton hicks contractions that I thought were getting rather painful. I started timing the contractions to see how far they were apart, still thinking that they were of the braxton-type.

 And then around 8 pm I bent down beside my bed to time another one and I felt this gush. Not like water breaking gush, more like I'm 13 and this must be my period gush. So I go into the bathroom to check it out and have another gush while on the toilet. I admit it, I flailed my hands a bit and had a little freak out since on that day I was only 37 weeks and 5 days. I was miserably pregnant but all in for another month considering Finny was 41 weeks and 2 days or some outrageous amount of days like that. But I got my shit together real quick and called Josh. Calmly. I told him there was some blood and that we'd probably be going to the hospital right away since at this point I thought blood was the sign of something wrong. When you're pregnant they make you feel this way by constantly asking at every turn with furrowed brow, "Any bleeding?"

Then I called the doula service to see what I should do and if I should go into the hospital or call my doctor. Cary answered the phone and said all of the blood was normal, but that I was probably going into labor. Sweet baby jesus, yes! I was so excited but I didn't want to be overly confident and jinx the progression of cervical magic so I remained calm and kept cleaning up my house and timing contractions. Yes, I said cleaning up my house. For some reason I wanted everything to be at least 75% presentable when Cary got there. I knew I wouldn't care once things got going but in labor times you go with your instinct and clean the house if you feel like it. Or maybe I felt like once things got going I WOULD care that the house was a wreck and wouldn't be able to do anything about it but apologize and that would take me out of the moment and ruin my ability to concentrate on labor. I think that's closer to the rationale.

Anyway so Cary and I decided I would keep timing for about an hour and call her back to let her know how I was doing. I noticed that when I laid down the contractions were around 6 minutes apart but when I was standing and cleaning they were like 3 minutes apart, lasting about 45 seconds to a minute. After 48 minutes of timing (you know these things when in labor) I called Cary back and we decided it would be good for her to come over. Before the 48 minutes were up Josh got home and I had him doing things I couldn't but needed done: Take that big box the rocking chair came in to the garage, install the car seat in my car, help me change the sheets. And by the time we did all that Cary was there.

Let me tell you this. If at any point you are deciding on whether to hire a doula and if the service is worth the cost...hesitate no more. I would have gladly paid triple for the peace of mind and wonderful care that Cary brought into our birth experience. From the moment she arrived I felt more relaxed and more in control of my decisions. After a bunch of questions and inquiry that involved her looking at my blood in the potty (embarrassed? nah. not me.) we all settled in and started talking about Netflix and the movie I was watching, Erasing Hate. We watched and talked through all the contractions. I think by this time it was about 10:30 or 11 and were were basically just hanging out in the floor of our bedroom. Kind of felt like college, except for the contractions that kept on coming more intensely with every round.

 Cary had some great suggestions like, get on hands and knees and rock back and forth. Hold on to Josh's shoulders and kind of squat, lean on the birthing ball, stay on the toilet for a contraction. Wherever I was I would just tell her Ok and she would start timing. Another, I'd say, 45 minutes or an hour went by (hard to tell but it felt like no time at all) and we kind of decided to move to the living room for a change of scenery. I think maybe we were going to try to walk or go outside in the front yard for a couple of contractions or something but as soon as we got outside of the bedroom I felt this need to go to the hospital. I wasn't sure about it and I didn't really trust my need, mostly because I didn't trust being at the hospital. In my last birth I had lots of interventions and I didn't want that to happen this time. I wanted to labor unimpeded for as long as possible and then beg for drugs if I needed them or Try Try Try to do it all natural. I couldn't really see into the future on how I would handle to pain but I knew I could handle it better at my own house without a bunch of nurses in my face asking me about epidurals. BUT at the same time I hadn't felt the little guy moving around too much and I wanted to see how my cervix was progressing. So, for me curiosity killed the accidental home birth.

I say that because we got to the hospital around 12:30 in the morning and I requested that the Dr check me immediately so that I could go home to labor in peace if I was only a four and had a bunch more hours to go. Dr. Cherry (her real name!) came in and said that I was six to seven cm dilated and about 90% effaced. Meaning, here comes transition like a frickin freight train. I'm not sure I remember too clearly after then so the people who were with me might have a different way to tell this. But these are my memories and my sporadic blog so I get to tell it how I like.

 It's all a blur, that I think they call "Labor Land". I remember asking Cary when we were walking down the hall of the hospital on the way to L&D if this was Labor Land but I needed no reassurance really. That was the mind frame I was in. In Labor Land you deliberately eschew all outside stimulus. Look at the floor while you're walking, no wondering if all the people in ER are staring at you while you hug your doula through a contraction, just hum and walk and breathe, relax before the next contraction.

 By the way, when we got to the desk in L&D, the nurses were all, "how can we help you?" and because I couldn't talk much I did a little flourish with my hands and a half curtsey and Cary goes, "She's in labor." I wanted to add a little "Duh, bitches" on to the end but thought I'd keep my politeness going since very shortly I'd be in the hands of these ladies and I wanted them to be on my side. They walked us down the hall and in the room I got changed into the night gown that I brought to the hospital. One of the nurses tried to tell me I could wear my own gown if it was open in the back, which mine wasn't, but I looked at Cary and she said to just put my own on anyway.

 Like I said Dr. Cherry checked me and I was 6-7 cm dilated and 90% effaced. So I stood up for a couple contractions, sat down for a couple contractions, thought about getting in the tub for a couple contractions, and all the time the amazing amazing nurse Shauna kept chasing me around to start a saline lock on my arm and would not quit adjusting the fetal monitors because I was losing what they seemed to think was more than the usual amount of blood. I was fine with the fetal monitors because I wanted to hear his heartbeat too, but really I think that was the most painful and annoying part. The way she had to press on my belly and constantly ask me to move and lift my hips or adjust my shoulders was just like, ok, fine but I hate this and I want to concentrate on this little boy coming outta me. Which sucks. Period.

 And then gradually things started to change. I was standing next to the bed and I felt this need to bear down and grunt. Shauna informed me that if I was pushing that I had to be in the bed so before the next contraction I came around the bed and got in a side lying position with Cary at my back and Josh in front of me. Poor Josh, because after like 3 contractions I had to tell him to go brush his teeth because his breath was taking me out of the moment. I had to think about whether to ask him for a couple of minutes though because his going to the bathroom would mean doing a contraction, possibly two, without him and his comfort and the ability to grab his shirt and escape the pain was crucial. CRUCIAL. But he had been working all day Friday and this was getting on into early Saturday morning so...I asked him and it was so much better when he came back. After that I went to hands and knees on the bed facing backward but I really couldn't get a handle on the contractions like that. It was when I was in this position that I bit Josh on the hand. Twice. He said after that he and Cary looked at each other and she mouthed, "Did she just bite you?" and he just nodded and took it like a champ. Love my husband. Side lying was definitely an easier way to bear the contractions so I switched back to that and alternated between pulling him toward me and pushing him away while holding onto his lapel and twisting.

Then I started to cuss. And curl my toes. I remember Dr. Cherry laughing at me when I yelled, "This shit fucking hurts!" And I think I asked for "The Drugs" at this point too but the people on my team were just kind of laughing lightheartedly because we all knew there was no time. Each time a contraction came I slipped outside of myself and grunted like a rabid javelina. Really primal, low and guttural sounds that honestly kind of surprised me. I had a couple of contactions, though, where the sounds were high and shrieking and Cary had to remind me to keep the sounds low and guttural. Low felt more effective anyway so I tried to take her advice.

 I wanted someone to tell me that Linden was crowning and that this was almost over. But when I asked Shauna said not yet. I kind of felt discouraged but she immediately reassured me when she said I was a very effective pusher. And when she checked me about five minutes (? rough estimate ?) later I had moved from zero station to positive 2 in about 30 minutes. Crowning was just a few contractions/grunting pushes away. And thennnn...the ring of fire. If at any point in your life this happens to you and you sincerely believe that your vagina is going to be torn in two, have someone get you a wet warm washcloth and try to stay calm. I think this was the point where I would have gone into indentured servitude to afford Cary because that wet warm washcloth saved my life.

While this horrible thing was happening, Shauna the nurse was behind me trying to unwrap a lot of instruments while she was on the phone going, "I need someone to catch a baby!" She said afterward that she thought she was going to have to deliver him. She said she would have done it because she's done it before but she'd rather Dr. Cherry be the one to do it. And as it happens, Dr. Cherry got there in the nick of time. She had some time to adjust her light and tell me to reach down to feel Linden's hair. As I did that and realized he was crowning, Cary goes, "Oh, shit's getting real now!" and then wonderously in a gush of pressure release out he came. It wasn't like it was on A Baby Story where they say ok his head is out and with the next push here come his shoulders and everyone is waiting. No...he was out like a rocket. Dr. Cherry really did have to catch him. And we just saw all this brown hair and this tiny little chunky monkey guy and everyone was rushing around with carts and towels and saying how cute and chunky he was. And he weighed 7 pounds exactly and was 19 and 1/4 inch. Born at 2:32 in the morning. Perfect.

 I felt high, so high. I told Dr. Cherry thank you and I couldn't quit talking and staring and enjoying the feeling of having my new son in my arms. And Josh kept saying that I was a super hero and how he was amazed that I did it all my way. I couldn't believe it either. Still can't even though he's sleeping on my chest wrapped in blankets in our house on our street. Home.

Kindergarten Graduation

My sweet boy,

Today you had your kindergarten graduation and we are soooo proud of you! Ms. Robinson and the other kindergarten teachers gave an award out to everyone in their classes and we waited patiently while all the kids got their award. It seemed like you might be one of the last ones and we weren't sure what kind of recognition you would get for your hard work this year. Would it be best story teller? Math whiz? Future scientist? These awards came and went to your brilliant friends Sam and Jackson and Yeshi and we were starting to get nervous...then Ms. Robinson announced that they had saved four awards for the last because they were the most prestigious.

Ok, now we were really intrigued! And when they called your name for the Humanitarian Award I cried because I know that award is perfect for you. You always help when someone is feeling down and you tell me you love me every day. You love hugs and you want to make sure everyone is ok. I am so proud to know that when you are out in the world that you are taking care of other people and being compassionate. You're our favorite super hero! Can't wait to see what you accomplish in first grade!

Love always and forever,

Mom