ok this less hurtful idea is not coming to fruition. i feel like i'm always self destructing. and pinching people where i know it might hurt them because i am so sensitive that i take anything they say to heart.
i don't know why i'm generalizing all of this. it's really about josh. i feel like he doesn't give me enough affection so when he tries to it's way past due and i ruin it. like last night i told him "you shouldn't give me any affection, josh, you should just go to sleep" and he rolled over and asked if i wanted to "lay up in his arm pit". this would have been a really good time for me to accept his offer and get up in that arm pit for some lovin. but what did i do? i said "no, i don't" and he rolled over and went to sleep.
then i had a dream that he told me some beautiful girl looked really beautiful when she woke up in the morning all beautiful. and in my dream i kicked him off the bed.
so first of all i was sarcastic with him which is not a good way to start any kind bid for attention. i want us to have a healthy, fun, friendly relationship, but he ignores me when i talk, then i start talking more because i'm nervous, then he gets annoyed, and i think "he's never loved me, ever, its only because of finnegan that we're even married"
how do i make this work when i'm batshit crazy because my mom is batshit crazy? and how do i make this work when i don't have any example for what normal human behavior looks like in a marriage?
so i kissed him a bunch of times on the face this morning while he was laying in bed and i told him i loved him. because i do. i just wish we communicated better and that i wasn't so defensive and shitty.
