finnie's first birthday

yesterday was finnegan's first birthday! we had a party on sunday afternoon that turned out to be a great success. it was kind of an impromptu swimming party...we forgot to tell the parents to bring swim clothes so there were a few naked boys one little girl in a puffy ol diaper and sidney who's mother is ultra prepared for water sports and had her swim suit in the car.

we've set up the pool for finnie before but i don't think he quite knew what to do with it until he saw the other kids splashing and having fun. it reminds me how social he is and gives me a glimpse of his personality. i think he's going to have his dad's ability to make friends with anyone and his gentle caring natures that makes everyone gravitate to him. he was hugging all of the kids but mostly he wanted to hug taylor, my cousin chelsea's 3 year old. finnie would walk up behind him while he was playing on the floor and throw his arms around him and lay his head on his back. until taylor moved then he would follow him and try to play. i'm so amazed at his abilities...i think for me that's what the party was celebrating...he's grown physically yes, and he's walking and understanding and that's all great but now i see his humanness developing and it gives me the chills. i love that little boy and every moment that he's been in my life from the very beginning.







here's to a lifetime of birthday parties!

love,
che

cathartic floundering

ok this less hurtful idea is not coming to fruition. i feel like i'm always self destructing. and pinching people where i know it might hurt them because i am so sensitive that i take anything they say to heart.

i don't know why i'm generalizing all of this. it's really about josh. i feel like he doesn't give me enough affection so when he tries to it's way past due and i ruin it. like last night i told him "you shouldn't give me any affection, josh, you should just go to sleep" and he rolled over and asked if i wanted to "lay up in his arm pit". this would have been a really good time for me to accept his offer and get up in that arm pit for some lovin. but what did i do? i said "no, i don't" and he rolled over and went to sleep.

then i had a dream that he told me some beautiful girl looked really beautiful when she woke up in the morning all beautiful. and in my dream i kicked him off the bed.

so first of all i was sarcastic with him which is not a good way to start any kind bid for attention. i want us to have a healthy, fun, friendly relationship, but he ignores me when i talk, then i start talking more because i'm nervous, then he gets annoyed, and i think "he's never loved me, ever, its only because of finnegan that we're even married"

how do i make this work when i'm batshit crazy because my mom is batshit crazy? and how do i make this work when i don't have any example for what normal human behavior looks like in a marriage?

so i kissed him a bunch of times on the face this morning while he was laying in bed and i told him i loved him. because i do. i just wish we communicated better and that i wasn't so defensive and shitty.

what i wannnnnnt to talk about

in future posts i would like to examine luck. i know that it's going to take a while for me to start writing about how fortuitous we are in everyday life, but i'd like to begin with some personal observations of daily luck and move on to how i see it affecting others. eventually i'd like to take some personal accounts and recreate them here for you.

i know you're just jiggling with excitement but i think it's a subject worth poking around in. i mean, how much do we think luck affects our lives? is there a norm for how much faith americans put into the idea of being lucky? how many different idiomatic expressions are there that include luck. like getting lucky, lucky dog, lucky! luck schmuck...etc...and last... how can i get lucky with your mom. that's the most important question. stay tuned for all the juicy details.

don't touch it!

what else do i love? dry ice. it's fun!

First!

I love love love pot pie. Don't you?